12.17.2009

Another Rough Draft Speech

This was written for Dwayne Carey Hill on the occasion of his being chosen "Employee of the Month" at Rough Draft Studios, way back in the early 2000's:



At the risk of sounding truly excited, let me just say "WOW".


WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW.


Employee of the month, Phew. Let me just take this in...


I'm sorry. Did I forget to say hello to all of you? Well, hello my friends and co-workers. My heart is gladdened by your presence and my mighty drawing hand is indebted to you, for are we all not part of the same whole, striving towards the same goals?


I'll let you know a little secret. I like the fleshy part of a woman's ankle. And why do I say that? Because in choosing your employee of the month, you must look at the person as a whole, the sum of all parts.


And what are the sum of my parts? I'm more than just a cleanly-shaven and neatly dressed man with dashing good looks and a winning smile...I'm Dwayne, dammit. You see the nice teeth. You see the sparkling eyes. You see the firm ass. You see the masterful drawings.


But do you see my ankles? I don't think so. You know what I think? You FEEL my ankles. Not in the vulgar sense of touching, but in the spiritual sense of caressing. Call it what you will, but I stand here...


your Employee of the Month.


And I congratulate not myself, but all of you, for choosing wisely, and not with your minds, but with your hearts.




I love you all.

10.28.2009

By Request, Birthday Speech I Wrote for Claudia Katz

Wow. It's really great to see you all.


I came from a hardscrabble life in Queens, New York. And though I went to summer camp every year as most children did, I always felt as though my soul danced a different dance...a Dirty Dance! Perhaps that is why I became such a wonder.


Here I am on the cusp of my 10th year at Rough Draft. That's just six years shy of the girls that Gabe likes to date, but I digress.


I left the glamourous life of advertising, where I emboldened the likes of Nestle and General Mills, to seek my fortune in animation. It was a bold move. A risky move. But I could not deny the world what it wanted so badly - more Claudia Katz!


I have piloted this "thing of ours" called Rough Draft from canoe, to its steamboat adolescense, to the Battleship that it is today. Paul Meyers, a mentally-ill layout artist, described me in his secret manifesto as quote, "Tough but fair - no discernable sense of humor." Unquote. If you happen to see Paul, please tell him that I found my sense of humor - after I fired his sorry ass!!


Yes I'm tough here at the "shop". But through it all, I've had to fight back my natural urge to mother each and every one of you, so that I could be a strong leader. Oh, how I've wanted to hold each of you to my bosom, to gently stroke your hair and say, "Hush, let mama carry all of your burdens and fears...let mama be your shelter from the pain. When Chris Louden had his fake nervous breakdown, when Brad had hs weird hypochondriac ass sicknesses, when Bret started dating Kristina, I cried myself to sleep each and every night, cursing my powerful position.


You see, I must shut that other Claudia deep inside. Why? Because the fight for the good of animation is bigger than me.


When I yell at you, when I tell you that you're truly despicable, that you're worthless and weak, remember that it hurts me just as much as it hurts you.


When it comes down to it, wouldn't you all agree that I'm the best boss you ever had? And not just to be a kiss-ass, but hey Carson, I'm the greatest right?


Here are a few things that you might want to remember. I love the Mets! I love Saabs. I love Pizza, but L.A has crappy pizza! I love TV, but I click through channels faster than Gabe mows through a troth of tacos. I thank Yahweh for Tivo. I have a Vespa but am afraid to scuff the tires on the road. I, for one, adore Damon. He's my "baby". I just Don't know where he gets the strange idea that he's fat and ugly and oh-so hated. Oh yeah, I love softball, the sport of kings. Some would say that I'm too intense out there on the field of dreams. But I ask you, what is life without intensity? It is shit, friends.


And here are a few bits of negativity to sprinkle on the lovefest: I hate when people park in my spot. I hate the Salvation Army. I hate Giggles for extorting us each and every year for the use of their cesspool of a whorehouse. And If a guy named Sol calls for me, I'm not here. And I said it once and I'll say it again; Daisy costs too damn much! If I didn't have that golden-haired bitch, I could save a fortune by not havng to eat at Far Niente every damn day.


About my voice. Most would say that my voice is unique. I'll admit that it may be just a touch loud sometimes, but that's because it's very hard to ratchet down from all the discipling I do to Scott at home. And if you have a problem with my loud voice, please come to my office later, so that everyone can overhear it when you're being fired.


Moving on, I'll admit that I've had a few passing fancies. Xena the Warrior Priness. Buffy. Alias. Art's Deli. In & Out. Boxing classsses. Trevor the Trainer. Who Wants to be a Millionaire. X-Files. Vespa. Krispy Kreme. Bukkake. Star Fox the video game.


But that's all in the past.


As you all know, I've entered a new phase in my life. Yes, motherhood. Yes, my sweet little Laine. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that my nipples are very sore.


But I can't forget to mention the one who has given my life meaning, who has been there for me through thick and thin, a genius whom I could not live without; the other half of me...my dear sweet Daisy. Hey Scott, don't forget to feed her tonight.


And finally, let me say this one last thing from the bottom of my heart...


YOUR FIRED.


4.07.2009

El Cholo




Thank you to my sisters Doomps and Cindy and my niece Christina for coming all the way up from the San Diego region to take me out to dinner. They said I could pick any place I wanted - fancy or otherwise- so after some hard thought, I chose the Los Angeles landmark original El Cholo on Western.

I carried in a festive balloon which declared, "Happy Birthday from all of us!" and Doomps carried in her delicious upside-down pineapple cake, which had an interesting and frothy mess of frosting due to the fact that it was in a warm car. The staff at el Cholo was good enough to put it in the fridge for us, and sat us by a fireplace.

We scarfed up mountains of tortilla chips. The salsa seemed wimpy, so we asked for a spicier version. Cindy tried it and immediately seemed unimpressed. Doomps and I then tried it. And then the fire set in for all of us, except Christina, who was shying away from anything remotely hot due to stomach issues. My whole head was sweating and my eyes were stinging. Cindy and Doomps were using ice water and margaritas to douse the fire. We found out later that el Cholo makes the spicy stuff with habaneros... ay yi yi!

Anyhow, some great food was had, margaritas were flowing, and presents were opened. I got some cash, lotto tickets, a magic technology pen, and most importantly a nice time with my family... and since I'm not much of a big birthday party person, the small gathering was perfect! Thank you Doompas, Cindy and Christina!

12.26.2008

genius of rob goodin



Rockin' Rob Goodin drew this delightful little ditty on the back of a Christmas card... pure magick.

10.31.2008

My Assistant Directors

Someone said I was crappy because I hadn't posted anything in the last four eons.

Who reads this anyway?

Just to fill space, I'm gonna write about what's on my mind at the moment. I was just going through my contact manager (Apple's Adress Book) and I noticed that I hadn't capitalized my current Assistant Director's name. As I corrected said error, I began to think, "How many AD's have I had"?

I started my directing career (and yea, it doth continue to this very day) at American Dad, and so the following list naturally applies to what I like to call "America's Favorite Show"...

1. Edgar Larrazabal
A nice fella. We did two episodes together, "Roger Codger" and "Con Heir". Edgar always had a jolly disposition and a laissez-faire attitude.

2. Caleb Muerer
A heckuva a guy. Alas, we only did one episode, "Finances With Wolves". He went on to beautifully direct American Dad, but now spends his time as a character designer. Caleb is great at finding the comic essence of each scene, and I was always delighted by his boards and his attitude.

3. Tim Parsons
A swell man. We did a whole season together: "Camp Refoogee", "The Best Christmas Story Never", and "The Vacation Goo". Tim went on to direct American Dad. Tim's boards are simply beautiful to behold, and he never caused trouble like Caleb!

4. Aldin Baroza
A real jim-dandy. We did two fine shows together, "Tearjerker" and "Spring Break-Up". He walked on over to greener pastures. Aldin was a fast and furious board artist, and you couldn't ask for more.

5. Oreste Canestrelli
A helluva squingilli. We did "Live and Let Fry" and another one I can't remember the name of. He left me to work as a director on the new Fox show, "The Cleveland Show". Oreste brought a rock-solid foundation of perspective and a fighting spirit of cinematics to the table. It would kill him to adapt to American Dad's "flat" style, but he walked the razor's edge and managed to get many of his bold ideas through.

6. Valerie Fletcher
One supah gal of arrow-making descent. We have thus far only done one episode together, "In Country...Club". Val is not only a super-talented character designer, she is a tour-de-force storyboard artist. I HATE HER!!!

There ya have it.

-Albert

9.30.2008

Beer



I used to drink wine coolers in high school. Beer was a bitter affair. But now I love beer. Here are some I've tasted...

Aventinus
Brewed by G. Schneider & Sohn of Germany.
Named after the son of Hercules and Rhea.
Its dark color might make you think that it's gonna be an overpowering experience, but it is quite smooth and earthy. Really delicious. I added an orange to it.

style: Wheat-Dopplebock
alcohol content: 8.2%
look: cloudy and dark brown, almost purplish.
smell: nice.
taste: smooth and rich and wheaty and yummy. No alcoholly-burn.
overall: delicious.

2.21.2008

EDD Breakthrough!

I finally got through to the Unemployment Department on a voice call after about a solid 250 tries over the course of a two weeks. I've never had a problem getting through in the past, which means that there must be a hell of a lot of people on unemployment! See, I filled out my claim form incorrectly and twice so.

I must say that every time I talk to an EDD person, they are pleasant and quite helpful. Now why can't I fill out those dang claim forms correctly?

And so this is goodbye, suckas. I'm gonna be reeeeeeeeeeeeyich!

Albert J Calleros

2.15.2008

Good one by Rodzilla



Rodney Clouden makes a funny about Sandra back in 2000 or so.

One of My Favorite Pieces of Comedy of all Time



I came across this comedic gem, conceived and written by my friend Dan Danko lo those many years ago. It still cracks me up every time I think about it, only because it's so dang true!

1.20.2008

1.13.2008

I am gonna draw 365 times this year... AT LEAST!

I've decided to sketch more this year, so I have planned to do at least one drawing or sketch or other artistic representation per day. I won't post every day, but rather in batches...

See The Dang Page

8.22.2007

Argentina Part 1

I spent the night with a stranger in Washington DC.

My story starts at LAX. United Airlines flight 18 to Washington DC's Dulles Airport sat on the Los Angeles tarmac for 30 minutes before the captain announced that the plane would be delayed a full 50 minutes more due to "weather problems" in DC. The first 30 minutes were attributed to a "customs issue" at LAX.

The guy who sat next to me answered my "How ya doin?" with, "I'm gettin' there". I laughed because I hadn't heard that response before. His name, as it turned out, was Paul Kelly.

Paul Kelly put on his headphones, cranked some R&B tunes and fell asleep during the first 30 minutes of our delay. When he woke up an hour AFTER WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF, he was relieved to see that it was still light outside in Washington DC.

The problem was that we weren't in Washington DC. We were still at LAX!

2.04.2007

Spain Sketchbook 007

Yet another crappy drawing. I like the little alien guy though.


1.28.2007

Spain Sketchbook 006

Another sketchbook page with the newly discovered "I'm all about text-messaging" Sandra. The dude is made up.

1.22.2007

BeanRobots Lose Manager in Post-Season Shake-up






Feeley resigns
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

January 22, 2007, 12:27 PM EST

IRVING, Texas -- Jim Feeley retired from coaching Monday, leaving the Bean Robots after one season and ending a stellar career that featured one Championship appearance.

The announcement came 15 days after the Bean Robots' season ended with a heartbreaking championship loss to Frohawks. He'd been at his office nearly every day since, and there were other indications that the 33-year-old coach was returning for a second year in Sherman Oaks.

"I am retiring from coaching Bean Robots," Feeley said in a statement. "I want to thank Albert Calleros for his tremendous support over the last year. Also, the players, fans and others in the support group who have done so much to help. Cocktales and Dreams is a great league and the Robots are an integral part of it. I am hopeful that they are able to go forward from here."

The announcement came in a morning e-mail. There was no immediate statement from Calleros, the team owner, although maybe one will be issued later in the day. There were no immediate plans for a news conference.

"I am in good health and feel lucky to have been able to coach in Cocktales & Dreams for a period of time," Feeley said. "I leave the team and the league with nothing but good feelings and gratitude to all the players, coaches and other people that have assisted me in that regard. "

Feeley won three consecutive Championships as the Happy Kissing Bunny coach with the Fitzmongers FF League. He came to the Bean Robots last season energized by the challenge of restoring glory to "Mexico’s Team." He went 10-4 and definitely left the Bean Robots better than he found them, but his tenure ultimately may be remembered for the lack appreciation from owner, Albert Calleros.

His team went 1-1 in the postseason. The Robots appeared headed to a breakthrough chamionship win this month, but Pro Bowl reciever Andre Johnson only produced 4 points in the final.

Feeley's legacy with the Robots can be framed this way: Maybe Sherman Oaks isn’t big enough for an owner who’s ego is so large and pockets so shallow, and a championship caliber coach who rightfully deserves all the credit for the team’s success.

--Fantasy Football Commissioner
http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1

12.29.2006

Fugitive from the Law!



After a fun time of riding dirt bikes and quads in the sand dunes of Glamis, California, I got an early-morning ticket from a sheriff for rolling through a stop sign. Turned out my license had expired as well, so the guy was being a dick and said that I couldn't even drive my car to park it, so he would have to tow it. Then he went back to his SUV sheriff car and made me wait another 10 minutes while I cursed myself and the futility of it all, and besides, who makes these dang laws that won't even let you drive 50 yards to park your car? F'in ridiculous!!

He came back and said, "Okay I'm going to let you park your car at the Motel 8. but don't drive it anywhere else. If you do, we will take your car. So call someone to come and pick up you and your car" (meaning that two people would have to come). My options were to call my fmaily that was still sleeping at Glamis and ruin their trip by making them leave Glamis early OR calling someone (two people) from LA to travel about 200 miles to come get me and the car. The cop left me and I thought to myself, "There is truly only one option". I called my sister's boyfriend Trey for moral support and any extra angles on the subject. He said to wait 4 minutes then book. I'm not saying I drove away, but I am saying me and my car were gone about 30 seconds after I got off the phone with Trey.