Another Rough Draft Speech

This was written for Dwayne Carey Hill on the occasion of his being chosen "Employee of the Month" at Rough Draft Studios, way back in the early 2000's:

At the risk of sounding truly excited, let me just say "WOW".

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW.

Employee of the month, Phew. Let me just take this in...

I'm sorry. Did I forget to say hello to all of you? Well, hello my friends and co-workers. My heart is gladdened by your presence and my mighty drawing hand is indebted to you, for are we all not part of the same whole, striving towards the same goals?

I'll let you know a little secret. I like the fleshy part of a woman's ankle. And why do I say that? Because in choosing your employee of the month, you must look at the person as a whole, the sum of all parts.

And what are the sum of my parts? I'm more than just a cleanly-shaven and neatly dressed man with dashing good looks and a winning smile...I'm Dwayne, dammit. You see the nice teeth. You see the sparkling eyes. You see the firm ass. You see the masterful drawings.

But do you see my ankles? I don't think so. You know what I think? You FEEL my ankles. Not in the vulgar sense of touching, but in the spiritual sense of caressing. Call it what you will, but I stand here...

your Employee of the Month.

And I congratulate not myself, but all of you, for choosing wisely, and not with your minds, but with your hearts.

I love you all.

By Request, Birthday Speech I Wrote for Claudia Katz

Wow. It's really great to see you all.

I came from a hardscrabble life in Queens, New York. And though I went to summer camp every year as most children did, I always felt as though my soul danced a different dance...a Dirty Dance! Perhaps that is why I became such a wonder.

Here I am on the cusp of my 10th year at Rough Draft. That's just six years shy of the girls that Gabe likes to date, but I digress.

I left the glamourous life of advertising, where I emboldened the likes of Nestle and General Mills, to seek my fortune in animation. It was a bold move. A risky move. But I could not deny the world what it wanted so badly - more Claudia Katz!

I have piloted this "thing of ours" called Rough Draft from canoe, to its steamboat adolescense, to the Battleship that it is today. Paul Meyers, a mentally-ill layout artist, described me in his secret manifesto as quote, "Tough but fair - no discernable sense of humor." Unquote. If you happen to see Paul, please tell him that I found my sense of humor - after I fired his sorry ass!!

Yes I'm tough here at the "shop". But through it all, I've had to fight back my natural urge to mother each and every one of you, so that I could be a strong leader. Oh, how I've wanted to hold each of you to my bosom, to gently stroke your hair and say, "Hush, let mama carry all of your burdens and fears...let mama be your shelter from the pain. When Chris Louden had his fake nervous breakdown, when Brad had hs weird hypochondriac ass sicknesses, when Bret started dating Kristina, I cried myself to sleep each and every night, cursing my powerful position.

You see, I must shut that other Claudia deep inside. Why? Because the fight for the good of animation is bigger than me.

When I yell at you, when I tell you that you're truly despicable, that you're worthless and weak, remember that it hurts me just as much as it hurts you.

When it comes down to it, wouldn't you all agree that I'm the best boss you ever had? And not just to be a kiss-ass, but hey Carson, I'm the greatest right?

Here are a few things that you might want to remember. I love the Mets! I love Saabs. I love Pizza, but L.A has crappy pizza! I love TV, but I click through channels faster than Gabe mows through a troth of tacos. I thank Yahweh for Tivo. I have a Vespa but am afraid to scuff the tires on the road. I, for one, adore Damon. He's my "baby". I just Don't know where he gets the strange idea that he's fat and ugly and oh-so hated. Oh yeah, I love softball, the sport of kings. Some would say that I'm too intense out there on the field of dreams. But I ask you, what is life without intensity? It is shit, friends.

And here are a few bits of negativity to sprinkle on the lovefest: I hate when people park in my spot. I hate the Salvation Army. I hate Giggles for extorting us each and every year for the use of their cesspool of a whorehouse. And If a guy named Sol calls for me, I'm not here. And I said it once and I'll say it again; Daisy costs too damn much! If I didn't have that golden-haired bitch, I could save a fortune by not havng to eat at Far Niente every damn day.

About my voice. Most would say that my voice is unique. I'll admit that it may be just a touch loud sometimes, but that's because it's very hard to ratchet down from all the discipling I do to Scott at home. And if you have a problem with my loud voice, please come to my office later, so that everyone can overhear it when you're being fired.

Moving on, I'll admit that I've had a few passing fancies. Xena the Warrior Priness. Buffy. Alias. Art's Deli. In & Out. Boxing classsses. Trevor the Trainer. Who Wants to be a Millionaire. X-Files. Vespa. Krispy Kreme. Bukkake. Star Fox the video game.

But that's all in the past.

As you all know, I've entered a new phase in my life. Yes, motherhood. Yes, my sweet little Laine. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that my nipples are very sore.

But I can't forget to mention the one who has given my life meaning, who has been there for me through thick and thin, a genius whom I could not live without; the other half of me...my dear sweet Daisy. Hey Scott, don't forget to feed her tonight.

And finally, let me say this one last thing from the bottom of my heart...

YOUR FIRED.

El Cholo

Thank you to my sisters Doomps and Cindy and my niece Christina for coming all the way up from the San Diego region to take me out to dinner. They said I could pick any place I wanted - fancy or otherwise- so after some hard thought, I chose the Los Angeles landmark original El Cholo on Western.

I carried in a festive balloon which declared, "Happy Birthday from all of us!" and Doomps carried in her delicious upside-down pineapple cake, which had an interesting and frothy mess of frosting due to the fact that it was in a warm car. The staff at el Cholo was good enough to put it in the fridge for us, and sat us by a fireplace.

We scarfed up mountains of tortilla chips. The salsa seemed wimpy, so we asked for a spicier version. Cindy tried it and immediately seemed unimpressed. Doomps and I then tried it. And then the fire set in for all of us, except Christina, who was shying away from anything remotely hot due to stomach issues. My whole head was sweating and my eyes were stinging. Cindy and Doomps were using ice water and margaritas to douse the fire. We found out later that el Cholo makes the spicy stuff with habaneros... ay yi yi!

Anyhow, some great food was had, margaritas were flowing, and presents were opened. I got some cash, lotto tickets, a magic technology pen, and most importantly a nice time with my family... and since I'm not much of a big birthday party person, the small gathering was perfect! Thank you Doompas, Cindy and Christina!