Wow. It's really great to see you all.
I came from a hardscrabble life in Queens, New York. And though I went to summer camp every year as most children did, I always felt as though my soul danced a different dance...a Dirty Dance! Perhaps that is why I became such a wonder.
Here I am on the cusp of my 10th year at Rough Draft. That's just six years shy of the girls that Gabe likes to date, but I digress.
I left the glamourous life of advertising, where I emboldened the likes of Nestle and General Mills, to seek my fortune in animation. It was a bold move. A risky move. But I could not deny the world what it wanted so badly - more Claudia Katz!
I have piloted this "thing of ours" called Rough Draft from canoe, to its steamboat adolescense, to the Battleship that it is today. Paul Meyers, a mentally-ill layout artist, described me in his secret manifesto as quote, "Tough but fair - no discernable sense of humor." Unquote. If you happen to see Paul, please tell him that I found my sense of humor - after I fired his sorry ass!!
Yes I'm tough here at the "shop". But through it all, I've had to fight back my natural urge to mother each and every one of you, so that I could be a strong leader. Oh, how I've wanted to hold each of you to my bosom, to gently stroke your hair and say, "Hush, let mama carry all of your burdens and fears...let mama be your shelter from the pain. When Chris Louden had his fake nervous breakdown, when Brad had hs weird hypochondriac ass sicknesses, when Bret started dating Kristina, I cried myself to sleep each and every night, cursing my powerful position.
You see, I must shut that other Claudia deep inside. Why? Because the fight for the good of animation is bigger than me.
When I yell at you, when I tell you that you're truly despicable, that you're worthless and weak, remember that it hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
When it comes down to it, wouldn't you all agree that I'm the best boss you ever had? And not just to be a kiss-ass, but hey Carson, I'm the greatest right?
Here are a few things that you might want to remember. I love the Mets! I love Saabs. I love Pizza, but L.A has crappy pizza! I love TV, but I click through channels faster than Gabe mows through a troth of tacos. I thank Yahweh for Tivo. I have a Vespa but am afraid to scuff the tires on the road. I, for one, adore Damon. He's my "baby". I just Don't know where he gets the strange idea that he's fat and ugly and oh-so hated. Oh yeah, I love softball, the sport of kings. Some would say that I'm too intense out there on the field of dreams. But I ask you, what is life without intensity? It is shit, friends.
And here are a few bits of negativity to sprinkle on the lovefest: I hate when people park in my spot. I hate the Salvation Army. I hate Giggles for extorting us each and every year for the use of their cesspool of a whorehouse. And If a guy named Sol calls for me, I'm not here. And I said it once and I'll say it again; Daisy costs too damn much! If I didn't have that golden-haired bitch, I could save a fortune by not havng to eat at Far Niente every damn day.
About my voice. Most would say that my voice is unique. I'll admit that it may be just a touch loud sometimes, but that's because it's very hard to ratchet down from all the discipling I do to Scott at home. And if you have a problem with my loud voice, please come to my office later, so that everyone can overhear it when you're being fired.
Moving on, I'll admit that I've had a few passing fancies. Xena the Warrior Priness. Buffy. Alias. Art's Deli. In & Out. Boxing classsses. Trevor the Trainer. Who Wants to be a Millionaire. X-Files. Vespa. Krispy Kreme. Bukkake. Star Fox the video game.
But that's all in the past.
As you all know, I've entered a new phase in my life. Yes, motherhood. Yes, my sweet little Laine. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that my nipples are very sore.
But I can't forget to mention the one who has given my life meaning, who has been there for me through thick and thin, a genius whom I could not live without; the other half of me...my dear sweet Daisy. Hey Scott, don't forget to feed her tonight.
And finally, let me say this one last thing from the bottom of my heart...
YOUR FIRED.
